trust.
“For we live by faith, not by sight.” – 2 Corinthians 5:7
Around a year ago, I decided to hop on the trend of picking a word of the year for myself to cling onto for the next twelve months. Similar to those new years resolutions where you challenge yourself to read 52 books in a year or actually get an ample amount of sleep that time around, picking a word to prayerfully chase after proved to be quite the looming task. But wow did the Lord so carefully and beautifully teach me a whole lot about it. It came to me where most things usually do: on the road. I was driving back to the ville after spending a fun weekend away in Savannah, GA where I didn’t have much time to journal my thoughts for a pretty big year ahead. So, I resorted to recording a voice memo to my future self.
“…here’s what I feel like He’s gonna teach me this year. We’ll see if by the end of it, I’ve understood it or learned it… but, I think my word of the year is going to be trust.”
The rest of that drive home was defined by so many feelings I hadn’t had felt so strongly before. I sat in front of a year where I would become a college senior and start answering questions about post-grad. One where I had to figure out if I was going to apply to grad school and decide if I was actually going to move my life halfway across the world in the spring or not. I remember laughing at how these were the very days I made countdowns for, yet here I was dreading them all. That stage of life where adulthood starts to become the most real was not something I was ready to leave my 10:30-7 class schedule for quite yet. I just felt so overcome with fear of the unknown: a place I would normally encourage friends to embrace, because that’s almost always where I’ve seen the Lord show up in. But for some reason, I couldn’t shake my doubts about me getting through it. However, He proved me wrong as always, as I watched Him slowly speak to every little thing on that list and more, revealing even more of His patience, His friendship, and His tender care for us. Here’s a little bit of what I learned.
He is our loving Father.
Something I think most of us can admit we struggle the most with is that never-ending desire to keep our life under our own control. It’s so funny to me how many times I can truly convince myself that I’ve handled it and nothing can ruin my perfectly laid out plans. It reminds me of high school me, having this picture perfect plan to go to film school and then move to a big city (or go to FSU…). But I became a gator instead, and chose architecture. Recently, I had to get my phone screen fixed more than once over a span of two weeks because I am that clumsy. I think one of the habits I need to practice in 2022 is putting my phone away before I try to unlock the door carrying in all of my groceries in one trip. The second time I dropped my phone, it fell at a part of the screen that made the entire top half unable to detect touch, making it impossible to watch anyone’s instagram stories or post my own. But most importantly, I couldn’t upload new posts on my business page when they needed to go up. My phone stopped working at night, so I had to wait until all the repair shops opened in the morning, feeling helpless. I genuinely felt like my life was put on hold all because I couldn’t finish my to-do list for only a handful of hours… My eyes were opened to the ways I respond when things wouldn’t go my way.
I was always absolutely ruined when plans shifted or I didn’t reach a specific goal because of how many expectations I held for myself to feel content or live up to unrealistic standards. In the grand scheme of things, I hated having to wait to see what the Lord had for me in the next season or watch His plan unfold. I always wanted to know what was coming. But one day, the Lord’s prayer came to mind.
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread;…
First thing I’m reminded of through these lines is that I am a daughter of the King. A King who is a good good Father that knows what’s best for us, giving us what we need, not always what we want. It can be so hard to want to listen to God when He tells you to let go of something you’ve been holding onto for the longest. Or when He tells you not walk through that open door. I’m slowly making it through this book called When Strivings Cease by Ruth Chou Simons where she says, “idolatry is treasuring something or someone so much you’re willing to do things your way instead of God’s to possess it.” I can so easily fall into this very trap because of my desire to paint the canvas of my own life. But how many times have I obeyed His voice and ended up better off than expected? I’m still learning how to constantly zoom out and recognize that He sees way more than I do. How freeing is it knowing that He knows so much more than we do and wants what’s good for us.
Something else the Lord’s prayer helped me process during my sophomore year of busyness was the way we are to pray for our daily bread. Daily. It reminds me of when the Israelites had to be wise with dealing with the manna they were given each morning, because it was only enough for that day. God gave them exactly what they needed for each day. This goes for us too. It’s probably one of the easiest things to worry about everything outside of the 24 hours in front of us. But even in moments this year where I felt like I had nothing I wanted, I still had a God that cared for me enough to provide what I needed. And that is a reality I will never get over.
The road to contentment is one that is paved with our willing trust in a caring Father.
He is our Friend.
One of my actual new years resolutions for 2021 was “get on your knees more often.” (aka, pray more) Because I’m such a verbal processor, I wanted to challenge myself to go to God before I go to a friend, and I’ve gained so much because of it. There’s something about prayer that makes me view Him as a friend more than ever. He’s a kind of friend who will never get tired of hearing about your dreams, despairs, and triumphs. A friend who, you can confidently know, listens. Everytime I started to feel like life was out of control, I got on my knees again. The redundancy of that routine reminded me of every other time I had been at the foot of my bed, making me more and more confident that God would do something about it. Some prayers took 3 years to see change, others 24 hours. Some, I still have yet to see answered. And although I can’t promise myself that He will answer them, I know I can trust my God because He can. He is more than able.
Back in August, I went on my campus ministry’s leader’s retreat where we stayed at a beach for the weekend. At one point, mid-volleyball tournament, half of us were running back inside because a storm showed up out of nowhere, while the other half of us ran right into the waves. It was a heaven on earth kind of moment, one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced. Half of me was getting rained on, while the other half was dry. The colors in the sky were reminiscent of a Wes Anderson film. I could never stand still because the waves were literally tossing us everywhere, but as I attempted to stand my ground, I could admire rainbows behind us and the clouds parting before us, revealing what was left of the sun setting. That exact picture is how my year felt. I can’t remember a time where life felt perfectly still, without a storm on the horizon; but I always found the beauty in it all because my God wasn’t too far from view. It’s when I’m in a storm that I am able to discover and rediscover the beauty of Jesus. He’s the eye of the hurricane. He sees every tear and hears every prayer. I can know what trust feels like because there’s never been a time He hasn’t been there.
“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.” Jeremiah 9:12
I once heard this analogy in a podcast and it’s stuck with me ever since. Life with Jesus can sometimes feel like sitting in one of those kiddie carts with the steering wheels. You as a child can turn the wheel all the way to the left, but the person controlling the cart is the only one who can make you actually go left. In college, I’ve sat before so many unknowns. Ones I had no other option but to let go of the wheel and shut my eyes as I waited on God to do His thing. But I’ve seen the other side enough times to actually believe I will be okay even when things don’t go my way. I’m learning what it feels like to genuinely be excited for what’s next. What’s pretty funny is that I outlined this blog post long before I knew the next thing on my agenda would be to get COVID the week I was supposed to fly out to Italy. Talk about wanting to turn the wheel to the left while God turned it all the way to the right. But I’ve already seen bits and pieces of Him using my extra time at home, and I write this with a heart full of gratitude.
“The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
On the way to the Midwest, I woke up from a nap in the sky just in time to view the very beginnings of a glorious sunrise. It got me thinking about what life could look like if we just dozed off on trying so hard to cling to what we want for ourselves and made room for God to move. If we just let go, we just might be able to wake up to the beautiful sky He’s painted for us. Imagine how much more beautiful our lives could be if we maintained a posture of surrender. Imagine a life where we trusted God faster than we do now.
So long story short, I did learn a little bit more about my word of the year. Currently in the process of choosing mine for 2022, but I’m sure whatever it is, the Lord will be faithful in teaching me all He needs to about it.
everything in between 